Thursday, 24 March 2016

Why I won't be seeing Batman vs Superman at the cinema

I am old enough to remember when, about halfway through a film, the picture would disappear through the cigarette smoke haze and "INTERVAL" would appear in its place and the curtain with the frilly bits would swish and briefly close, as cinema screens had curtains then though on reflection they were functionally pointless, and the lights in the side passageway that led to the corridors in the cinema would dimly go on to reveal a bored person standing there with a tray of ice creams, and you'd have to make a split-second decision about either going to the restroom if you needed it and coming back to find yourself at the back of a long queue for the ice creams behind the grandmother who is paying with small denomination coins which she is having difficulty seeing in the dim light, or running down over the sticky auditorium carpet so you could get at the front of the queue and buy an ice cream quickly and have time to eat it before those lights went off and the ice cream seller disappeared and the curtain with the frilly bits would reopen and the second half of the film would start, but they stopped doing that years, in fact decades, ago now and there's no "INTERVAL" so with long films you spend the last reel starting to feel hungry and your mind drifts and you lose concentration on the film and you find you don't really care anyway as the action bits all finished some time ago and Aragorn is king and the hobbits got rid of the ring finally and Gandalf is still not dead but appears to have magic self-cleaning clothing that gets cleaner and whiter as the film progresses, but instead of focusing on Elijah Wood looking a bit sad you try to figure out the nearest place to the cinema that serves acceptable food and will serve you quickly because you do not want to wait 45 minutes for a glorified and expensive pizza which on reflection is just a very large round piece of cheese on toast and you get impatient but you don't want to leave early as you paid a small fortune to see this film while wedged in a seat so tight that both of your buttocks went numb over an hour ago and you get fed up at feeling like a hostage to watching the film to the end so you know what the hell your dungeon and dragon playing office workmates are talking about tomorrow because it's either hang out with them or hang out with the weird guy who cuts his toenails in an open plan office and keeps a flick knife in his partially open desk drawer and the nerds are safety in numbers, but you start to wish you'd waited a while to get hold of a copy from the dodgy bloke at the market whose friend keeps an eye out for the market inspectors or the police while he sells you a dubious looking copy of the film from a duffel bag while muttering "Nae returns" because if the copy of the film actually worked you could have then watched it in chunks while sprawled on your comfy sofa back home in your superman underpants but instead you sit there hating every aspect of the cinema experience and start saying things like "JUST GET ON THE F****** BOAT FRODO" a little too loudly and impatiently in an otherwise quiet cinema and that is why I am not seeing a superhero film that is 153 minutes long FIN.

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